The Transition Home

I have a friend guest posting on the blog today.  Heather is a beautiful friend I met in the Navy world whom I would say is an expert mommy.  Her and her husband have two biological and two adopted beauties, and I just love watching (through the internet) her family grow.  They are about to make a big move across the country with the Navy, so she has definitely got a lot on her plate right now.  She agreed to let me re-post an article she wrote on her blog about transitioning after a deployment.  There is great advice in here that I used many times in the last few years while Luke was deploying often.
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This post was written 4 years ago and was a product of a season of “work ups” followed by a deployment. It was tough times in the Clement house hold, but boy did we learn a lot! I’m happy to say, but God’s grace and inspiration, the deployments and techniques we learned then strengthened our marriage! Since then we’ve enjoyed 4 years of non-deployment(which has also been awesome for our marriage!) but have just been assigned a new duty station, with a big fat deployment included. Only this time we have twice as many kids! Anyway, when Sarah asked me to guest post, deployment was on the brain and I dusted off this post and really wanted to share it—for others and for myself!!! I hope you find something helpful here to make your transitions home less turbulent! What else do you find helpful for when your sweetheart comes home? 

         

Ahh, the homecoming reunion...  I always well up a little looking at these, or any, homecoming pictures.  It is truely the brightest moment of a deployment...

But what might not be commonly known is that the days and weeks immediately following that moment can be one of the hardest, and darkest parts of a deployment.

And it doesn't matter how long they've been gone. Ten days, ten weeks, or ten months--there is always a transition time when they return.  And for for the Clement Crew, the transition home has always been a struggle.

This may be surprising to some readers, while others know first hand how difficult the transition from "Away" to "Home" can be.  There is such a "high" after seeing Sam for the first time in what feels like eternity that it seems like nothing could go wrong: He's home.  So it's heartbreaking when we have communication error after error when we get home(sometimes even ON the way home!) and then instead of everything going smoother and easier, it is rougher and more difficult.

So, when we looked ahead to Sam's homecoming this past July, it was with great joy but also trepidation. I looked online for information on how to make the transition smoother, and all I found were articles about why the transition is hard--and I knew that already!

But I/we were determined to have a better transition this time.  And I am happy to report: we did.  Much better than any we've had before.  Here's what we did differently:

1.  We talked at length about the reunion while he was gone.  We talked on the phone(when we could) and emailed regularly about our expectations, hopes, and fears about the reunion. We asked each other:
What are you looking forward to about being at home?
What have you enjoyed during the deployment?
What has been a highlight for you?
What has been the hardest part?
What things are you nervous or worried about when you think about being together?
What are you looking forward to about being together again?
How do you think the kids will respond to the reunion?

2. We talk about what had changed.  We asked each other:
How do you think this deployment has changed you, if at all?
Is there anything new in your life--a hobby, friend, or passion?(for example, while Sam was gone, dressing like an adult(both of us) became important to me.  As did purging out everything we didnt need or use.)
What is a normal day for you like?
How have the kids changed?

3. We talked about the Homecoming itself. We asked each other:
Who do you want there?
Who don't you want there?
Do you want a photographer?
Who gets the first hug?
Is there a specific photo you want captured?
What do you want to do the rest of that day?
Do you have concerns?(for example: I had concerns about bringing Eva to the ship to see Sam[11mo old, during nap time, in 100degree heat] .  I'm glad we talked about it, and I left her home for her own special homecoming with Daddy.)


4. We planned and scheduled.  Scheduled and planed.  I wrote out a detailed schedule for the first three days home and emailed it to Sam a few weeks before he arrived home.  This way, we both knew exactly what to expect and what we were supposed to do when.
Here is what it looked like blank:

This helped Sam learn our routine without having to ask questions that might make me feel like he isn't helping "When are the kids going to nap?" "What are we having for dinner?"  I taped each day up so they were easy to see and look ahead to.  We were able to stick to the schedule, and it was awesome.  In fact, we still use that format for the weekends.
I also made an extensive meal plan for every meal for the first week home and made sure we have all the ingredients before he came home.

5.  We bought paper plates and plastic forks.  Also paper/plastic cups.  We don't usually buy disposable dish ware, but not having to do dishes was a huge help to us during the transition.

6. We planned time to be alone with each other. We hired a sitter two out of the first three nights home, then twice more within the next ten days.  If we could've, we would have taken a mini-vacation shortly after his return--we still wish we could have!

7. We talked about things we wanted to change about our marriage and family.  This could be a whole blog in an of itself.  But basically the biggest blessing about the deployment was that it served as a kind of "reset button" for the course of our marriage.  It gave us time to reflect on the previous months before and the months to come and communicate ideas for improving the way we worked as a couple and as a family--redirecting us back towards our goal of a family centered life.  Taking the time to think and communicate about all that during the deployment has really helped us not only transition back to living together, but helps us transition into the kind of family we want to be.


So, that's what we did.  Maybe this is all basic stuff everybody knows, but we sure didn't, and I'm glad we do now--it made a big difference for us, making our reunion more smooth and much sweeter.  Of course, even two months after homecoming day, we still feel like we are adjusting and trying to balance our life together, but that's just life I suppose:)  We are just so thankful to be living it together again!

What do you do differently to prepare for a spouses return home?

How to be a mother of two boys

You know, sometimes I really wish there was a manual on parenting, especially now that I am outnumbered.  It would be so nice to have step-by-step instructions to follow for every situation encountered with two kids.  But there are just too many possibilities.  So, for now, we just have to take one thing at a time and figure it out.

This has been my main struggle the past few months (actually five months).  I have felt like everything I tried to accomplish was a struggle.  Nothing was coming easily, not even a shower.  When Luke deployed Thanksgiving weekend, I had no desire to even attempt to leave the house.  When I finally did, it took us a solid 45 minutes to finally pull out of the driveway.  I couldn't figure out who to put in the car first and who to leave by themselves.  I also felt like I was constantly saying, "Just a minute, Bronson.  Please be patient."  I realized that Bronson was either used to getting his demands met immediately or he was seeking extra attention because of my scattered brain and having to spend so much time in contact with James.  For this problem, I realized that I really needed to make some one-on-one time with him, which is harder than it sounds.

It's true that there are daily struggles, but I am happy to say that I can get us out of the house in about 15 minutes.  :)  I don't feel as flustered when grocery shopping with both boys, and I seem to be getting into a rhythm with them.  I have found ways to entertain Bronson while nursing James.  The floors are now generally clean (thanks to my husband who got me a robot to do it for me), although the sink is never empty of dirty dishes.  I have to admit that it's not easy, but God has been showing me areas I need to change, and He has also made it very evident that I cannot be a wife, mother of two, friend, and nursing student well without His help.  I have had moments of desperation when I didn't think I could continue this way and cried for His guidance and provision, and have had immediate relief.  He is a compassionate and nurturing God.

These have been some encouraging verses for me during this time.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

I have to say that seeing Bronson dote on James makes me so happy.  He loves his little brother, even though he sometimes gets too rough.  And James loves to watch his big brother.  I cannot wait for them to be able to play together.  

  

Christmas 2013

 

Christmas this year included potty training, cookie decorating, egg nog, shopping, quality time with Dad, and LOTS of presents.  Soon we will have visitors here in Japan!  What a good year!

How to Keep a Busy Toddler Happy

I have been learning some tricks to keep the Bron-Monster entertained and happy these last few weeks.  With Luke gone now, it's been especially difficult to have no relief in the evenings.  Bronson is just a boy who needs people interaction and constant stimulation.  To me, it's exhausting.  I know that this age is important to be learning and growing and interacting and doing.  I have found these tips and tricks to help me on the days when I need to accomplish things around the house.

1.  We rearranged our furniture so that Bronson has his own little play corner in our small Japanese living room.  As long as the toys are neatly displayed on his shelves, he is happy to play by himself for a little while during the day.

2.  Rotating toys has amazing results and is so easy.  I keep a big tub of toys nearby, and put away toys he loses interest in, and I bring out new ones he hasn't played with in a while.  It's so neat to see him mastering toys that he once had no idea what to do with.

3.  I also cleared the bottom shelf of one of our bookcases, and loaded it with 15-20 of his books.  This is on a different side of the room, so that he is not distracted by his toys.  He now sits quietly and flips through his books.  Sometimes I hear him jabbering away just like he's reading them.  He stacks the books, looks at the pictures, and in the evenings he will find a book off of his shelf and bring it to me to read to him.  I also have been rotating his books, so that he doesn't get bored with them.

4.  Getting him out of the house in the mornings has made a huge difference to what he's like the rest of the day.  I try to take him on a walk in the stroller in the morning before it gets super hot.  Even if it's just a walk around the block to take the trash out, he loves it.  A change of scenery seems to really help.  Most afternoons I try to take him out to run errands or even just to run to the post office to pick up our mail.

5.  When I'm working in the kitchen,  I've had a problem with him hanging on my legs.  It makes it really difficult to cook or wash dishes with a toddler hanging on me.  So I found some fun magnets to put on the lower half of the fridge that have kept him busy and in the same room as me.  He may be getting bored with these as well, because I haven't seen him playing with them for a few days now.  But I have brought in a little bouncy ball that he loves to bounce on the hardwood floor and hear the noise it makes.  Hopefully this will not become a hazard.  :)

6.  Something else that I just started doing is introducing a new food/combination everyday.  He's getting to the age where he doesn't want to try anything he hasn't had before, and I have not been really good about giving him a lot of cooked adult food.  I usually give him fruits and vegetables by themselves and maybe a little off of my plate whatever I'm eating.  I found some toddler food ideas on Pinterest that I'm going to try.

7. Music is a must with this little man.  I usually play music for him in the morning while I'm getting ready for the day.  He LOVES music.

8.  Bath time is also a great time in the evening when I know he's entertained with little effort on my part.  To me, evenings are the hardest.  When both he and I are tired, it's not a good mix.  But the bath is relaxing and fun.  It winds him down for bedtime. 

9.  I have found that if I give him 15-20 minutes of my undivided attention a couple times a day, it satisfies his need for one-on-one interaction.  I know in the future, these times of mom and Bronson play are going to be the precious times that I remember.  It's fun to sit and read with him or pick a toy and work on it together or just wrestle/tickle.  It's amazing to see him learning and developing into a little boy.

I know I didn't quite get to 10, but that's all that I do for now.  I would love to get him outside.  There are so many great outside activities, but our house/yard just isn't great for that right now.  It's too hot, and there are too many mosquitoes swarming our yard.  Maybe in the fall, we'll be able to migrate outside during the day.  The playgrounds in the area are awesome, so I'm looking forward to exploring parks and playground in the near future.

Those are all of my ideas.  So what do you do with a busy toddler?

   

"Bringing Up Boys"

I have been reading Dr. James Dobson's book called "Bringing Up Boys".  It has been very enlightening.  The book is focused on some of the big dangers that boys are facing in today's culture.  It's very scary to think about all that is against boys in American culture.  But it's comforting to know that there is someone much greater who is looking after Bronson, who can protect him so much better than I can.  Here is a quote that I read today from a chapter about postmodernism.

"The interesting thing about postmodernists is their ability to live comfortably with contradictions.  Why?  Because there are no troubling absolutes to be reckoned with.  For example, moral relativists celebrate human dignity and racial harmony as precepts but then advocate killing (or helping to kill) the elderly, the unborn, and even full-term, healthy babies as they exit the birth canal.  Human life is expendable if it is inconvenient.  'Wait a minute!' you say.  Those ideas can't coexist in the same mind.  'Sure they can,' says the postmodernist, explaining nothing...

Now what does this moral relativism have to do with raising boys?  Just about everything, in fact.  It has confused all the age-old distinctions between right and wrong, between proper and improper, between priceless and worthless, and between human and inhuman.  It has also resulted in a moral free fall that has yet to hit bottom.  Postmodernism has given credibility and free reign to every form of evil.  Yes, I said evil.  Boys, with their tendencies to push the limits and defy authority, are the ones most vulnerable to it.  They are enticed into terribly destructive behavior that would have been stopped cold in its tracks by previous generations, who knew that some things are unquestionably wrong and that all ideas have consequences."

I'm really praying that God will equip Luke and I to counter the culture in our parenting and that Bronson will grow up to be a godly man.  I'm reminded of these verses.

Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."